Friday, June 24, 2011

A New Rating System

The SMRSNH (Scientific Movie Rating System for Nerdy Hipsters) is based on the stellar classification system. Instead of giving a number of stars to a movie, you compare films to types of celestial objects. A list, with examples*, follows below.

*YMMV. Examples are based on critical ratings, and are not guaranteed to be underground.

  • O-type "Blue"
    • Members of this type are extremely hot, as well as a very rare. These are the masterpieces, the gems that outshine all the others, and one that will go down in the history books. (Ex. "Citizen Kane")
  • B-type "Blue-white"
    • Make a point to see this one before it blinks out. It's an impressive sight, and one you won't regret. (Ex. "Toy Story")
  • A-type "White"
    • Bright, entertaining, and energetic, and one you'll most likely enjoy. (Ex. "Star Wars Episode IV")
  • F-type "Yellow-white"
    • Though not quite as hot as the others, this one will still make for a good night out. (Ex. "Coraline")
  • G-type  "Yellow"
    • You see this kind of thing every day, and there are plenty more where it came from. It's not exactly the lowest common denominator, but it's still not outstanding. (Ex. "Top Gun")
  • K-type "Orange"
    • You might be able to enjoy this one if you don't set your expectations too high. It's a dime a dozen, and you'll probably soon tire of seeing its kind. (Ex. "Constantine")
  • M-type "Red dwarf"
    • Ah, this is stable, predictable, common—and base. Don't worry about missing out if you skip one of these. There are too many to count, and they won't die off any time soon. (Ex. "Land of the Lost")
  • L-type "Brown dwarf"
    • Despite the hype, it ultimately never amounted to anything and probably never will. Often starting with great raw material, the end result is less than stellar. (Ex. "The Last Airbender")
  • D-type "White dwarf"
    • First it collapsed, but now it's shining brighter than ever! This thing might have seemed like a failure, but somehow, it's still going—and getting more attention than ever. (Ex. "The Room")
  • Neutron star
    • This one is bright, but also incredibly dense. You've heard a lot of people get excited about this, but it's rather puzzling. (Ex. "2001: A Space Odyssey")
  • Black Hole
    • It sucks—period. There is absolutely no light in this, and you'd be lucky to escape. (Ex. "Baby Geniuses")
  • Supermassive Black Hole
    • Mysterious, infamous entities spoken of in hushed tones and rarely seen. It's better that way, really. These are dangerous. (Ex. "The Star Wars holiday Special")


  1. This is a true testament to your brilliance. I have no words for this other than that, but let it be known that I will make this spread!! That is hilarious! Oh, and did you base that guy off Derek?? lol

  2. @Kaiser
    I'm glad you picked up on that. I thought, "Hm, what should this nerdy hipster look like?" And then I realized that I already knew the answer.

  3. That's hilarious. Well, if you ever need a female version... lol